So......yeah. I worry a lot. Usually about things I shouldn't. For example, I just rewrote that last sentence 7 times. Another example: I worry that Facebook will delete some of my posts when I'm not looking. So this is equal parts masturbation of the ego and groundless paranoia. Hooray for mental instability!
You know who isn't overrated? Gators cheerleaders. Boom goes the dynamite.
September 4, 2010 at 2:19pm via iPhone · · Like ·
Don't throw yourself off a bridge yet Ole Miss people. It was just Jacksonville State. Didn't mean anything..........Sorry i cant hold it in anymore. Hahahahahaha whooooooooo!!!!!!!! Your team sucks mo ass! Jacksonville State???!?!? Really?!?!? Was Masoli everything you thought he'd be? Just wait til he date rapes some sorority girl and knocks off Proud Larrys. It's gonna be awesome!!!!
September 4, 2010 at 7:17pm via iPhone · · Like ·
And look at all you suckers. Tubby, Cutliffe, Coach O, now Nutt. Get the tshirts and a catchphrase printed for the next messiah. Until he loses the first game of his 2nd season and you turn on him. You people are ridiculous.
September 4, 2010 at 7:24pm via iPhone · · Like ·
Can't. Stop. Watching. The Office.
September 5, 2010 at 6:29am via iPhone · · Like ·
27 episodes in 22 hours.....if Jim and Pam don't get together by the end of season 2, I'm going to gouge my eyes out.
September 5, 2010 at 6:31pm · · Like ·
Just heard on the Superhuman show with Stan Lee on History: "Jyothi Raj has monkey strength in his hands." Beautiful dialogue.
October 7, 2010 at 10:46pm · · Like ·
Trade days loot: a come-along, 12 peaches, a jar of molasses, and a flat of muscadines. Score.
October 9, 2010 at 10:53am via iPhone · · Like ·
On BBC radio right now: a British entrepreneur and a Spanish lawyer debating the merits of a workday siesta. Fascinating.
October 22, 2010 at 12:01pm via iPhone · · Like ·
Jon Gruden: "I like to call these Giants receivers JetBlue. You like that Mike?"
Mike Tirico: (disgusted) "Yeah Jon."
October 25, 2010 at 9:13pm via iPhone · · Like ·
Blake Griffin looks like Lil' Archie with his hair grown out.
October 27, 2010 at 8:26pm · · Like ·
Dear Krispy Kreme upper level management, please relax your franchising restrictions. As it stands today, your business model is invalid and has effectively abandoned it's core base. You have a great, not good, product, and if your company succumbs to the difficulties of these economic conditions, my children will never experience the rapture that is a hot, fresh Krispy Kreme original glazed. Thank you.
October 28, 2010 at 10:46am via iPhone · · Like ·
"Make awkward sexual advances, not war."
October 30, 2010 at 2:08pm · · Like ·
Natural gas so I don't freeze: $370, eye exam to renew contact prescription: $125, not being able to afford the regular bills because of the new ones: bullshit.
November 3, 2010 at 2:17pm · · Like ·
Listen up! The hippie jam band festival is now 14 miles in diameter, and 500,000 hippies thick....Our only hope is to fight our way to the very center of the crowd and reach the heart. If we make it, we can upload this Slayer CD into the music system. Hippies can't stand death metal. If everything works, they should disperse, just before they consume us all......
December 2, 2010 at 7:39pm · · Like ·
*** These next few were in response to the number game someone started on Facebook. The premise was that Alan sends Barry a random number in a private message, then Barry posts that number along with what he truly thinks of Alan on his (Barry's) wall. I watched the game unfold over a few weeks and after a discussion with a friend, decided to join in. Except I had no real numbers. Which means these are all fake. The interesting part, to me anyway, was that AFTER I began posting these, I began to receive numbers.
Let's follow the logic:
no one knew these were fake >
everyone thought they were pertaining to real people >
real people who were Facebook friends >
Facebook friends are people with whom you at least have some minor level of respect or care for, so...
Why, in the hell, would people think that I would be any less critical of "you" when "you" think that I'm speaking this way to people in my life for whom I have some amount of human concern for?
Or maybe I'm just a dick.
#11 - I had sex with your sister. Peace.
December 8, 2010 at 12:53am · · Like ·
#602 - Just come out already. You aren't fooling anybody.
December 8, 2010 at 1:15am · · Like ·
#111 - Remember that time in high school when your mom cheated on your dad with that guy and we all knew about it and it was really embarassing for you? Ah, the good ole days. P.S. Word around town is you're hung like a baby carrot. Just letting you know.
December 8, 2010 at 1:14pm · · Like ·
#1 - Your sister is a whore, you're in the running for Biggest Douche In The Universe, and I'm pretty sure your family is inbred. At least thats what everyone in town says. But you're so talented and giving. I'm glad you're my friend.
December 8, 2010 at 1:50pm · · Like ·
#24 - I used to want to have awkward teenage sex with you. Then you had a baby. So that's over now.
December 8, 2010 at 2:03pm · · Like ·
#2 - Remember the time I tea-bagged you? Probably not since you were sleeping. Call me and I'll email you the picture. It's classic!
December 8, 2010 at 2:47pm · · Like ·
Karate - the Dane Cook of martial arts.
December 8, 2010 at 9:27pm · · Like ·
Coffee: because it's too cold for Kool-Aid.
December 12, 2010 at 4:05pm via iPhone · · Like ·
Oh look, it's all sunshiny and nice outside. Let's go to the store....then your face goes all crystallized-Robert Patrick-Terminator 2-liquid nitrogen-shatter.
December 13, 2010 at 1:52pm · · Like ·
Dear Tina Fey,
Anytime, anyplace.
Love, Adam
December 17, 2010 at 2:44am · · Like ·
"Lemmon, let me explain something that can you have no way of knowing: emotionally unstable women are, fantastic, in the sack. I mean their self-loathing translates into......nevermind."
December 17, 2010 at 6:49am · · Like ·
Nap dreams are awesome. 80s coked out casino sex and fingerpainting. Wow.
December 18, 2010 at 11:55am via iPhone · · Like ·
Battlestar Galactica marathon. Get your geek on.
January 7 at 12:38am · · Like ·
Apparently heavy drinking and sleep deprivation don't mix. I tried to write this last night:
Captains log, stardate 1/8/11, 12:45 am: over 84 consecutive conscious hours. Verbal adequacy beginning to erode. Increasingly concerned with national state of race relations (paranoia?); while at the same time, conflict avoidance mechanisms have waned in strength or disappeared completely. And my roommate snores. Yippee.
January 8 at 5:07pm via iPhone · · Like ·
Update: Dunlop Direzza Z1 Star Spec's have crazy grip. When its nice out. Sideways is fun, but only when you're trying to get that way.
January 10 at 3:43am · · Like ·
Is it possible to prepare Red Baron frozen pizza on a George Foreman grill? The answer when we come back.
January 10 at 6:18pm via iPhone · · Like ·
Ingredients:
1 quarter slice of Red Baron Buffalo Style Chicken Pizza
1 slice of bread
Directions:
Preheat Foreman
Apply quarter slice of frozen pizza
Lay slice of bread atop pizza
Close lid, listen for cheese hitting hot plate
Cook for approx. 10 minutes
Makes one slice pizza, 1 piece of cheese toast
I'm a goddamn genius.
January 10 at 7:17pm via iPhone · · Like ·
Dodge apparently hired geniuses to fill their advertising vacancy. And Anheuser-Busch hired the CEO's deadbeat nephew. "Here we go"? Sigh.....
January 16 at 10:46pm · · Like ·
Man cooking 101: burger meat + brown sugar and onions = meatloaf, not hamburgers. Tasty, but unexpected. Lesson learned.
January 17 at 5:32pm · · Like ·
No, no it's fine God. Drop all the precipitation you want. I love it when my driveway turns into a mud drag. Thanks buddy.
January 20 at 3:31pm · · Like ·
Charlie and Connor. F'n it in the A.
January 23 at 3:55am · · Like ·
Guess who can't sleep. This guy. Hooray.
January 24 at 1:25am · · Like ·
Sir Adam, Slayer of Things That May Be Slain Easily
January 25 at 3:16pm · · Like ·
If my Xbox had a face I'd punch it.
February 7 at 9:42am · · Like ·
Charlie!!!! You fuckin bitch! Let's work it out!!!
February 7 at 7:35pm · · Like ·
Ice-packed fenderwells > tires frozen in place > car no move > sad panda. Today, I miss having a truck. There. I said it.
February 10 at 12:05am · · Like ·
"Where can you get a beer in this town?"
"Well 502 is still open, but it might not be your scene. Try Guitars down on 20th Street."
"Whats wrong with 502?"
"(scoff) Are you packing?"
"Wow."
Joplin, Missouri ladies and gentlemen.
February 21 at 9:15pm · · Like ·
Clues that you've lost your tolerance:
1.) Your tab is $13.
2.) That girl at the bar seemed like a viable option.
3.) You don't really remember how you got home.
4.) You write Facebook status updates like this.
5.) You're drunk enough to throw up, but sober enough to talk yourself out of it.
February 26 at 2:37am · · Like ·
Brothers vinyl came in today. If I had neighbors, they'd be really pissed right now.
February 26 at 7:56pm · · Like · · Share
Mississippi Department of Public Safety: now offering over-the-phone lobotomies!
Christ. Al. Mighty. If you ever have to deal with them, just drive an iron spike into your temple first. It takes your mind off the pain.
March 15 at 11:36am via iPhone · · Like ·
Better call Kenny Loggins cause you're in the danger zone.
March 15 at 11:44pm via iPhone · · Like ·
Is it just me or has Mike Huckabee put on 175 pounds? Dude has Beano Cook neck syndrome.
April 7 at 12:50am via iPhone · · Like ·
Let's Go Ti-ger.....come on people.....I just want to see him dominate. The field, not waitresses.
April 8 at 6:24pm · · Like ·
?"Lana......Lana.....LANAAAA!!!"
"What?!?!"
"ahem....danger zone."
April 9 at 3:12am via iPhone · · Like ·
Fallacies perpetuated by the state of Alabama: Mobile is a nice town; houndstooth trilbys go with anything; Rosa Parks is a hero; and I-20 between Atlanta and Birmingham deserves to be considered a highway. Dude, 55 mph? Really?
April 14 at 7:33am via iPhone · · Like ·
Dear T-Mobile Girl,
I love you.
Adam.
P.S. How do you feel about single wide trailers?
May 5 at 10:32pm · · Like ·
"Jesus was a cool dude with some groovy ideas, but divine? Come on pahtnuh. Speaking of Divine, where's that octaroon sex slave run off to?" - Thomas Jefferson
May 9 at 7:46am via iPhone · · Like ·
I hate hiccups the way Mr. T hates jibbajabba.
May 16 at 6:16pm via iPhone · · Like ·
This puppy gets more enjoyment out of a knotted dishrag than I get out of anything. Besides drinking heavily.
Yesterday at 3:28pm via iPhone · · Like ·
Hope you enjoyed at least half of one of these. God I'm lazy.
