An open letter to the Avett Brothers

Hey fellas.

First of all let me say that I love what you're doing.....now. It's true, I doubted you a few years ago, mainly because your sound was a little loose. Perhaps I erred in my haste, or perhaps, like many things, you required an aging process to refine your delivery. Yes, now that I've had time to consider it more closely, I believe this to be the case. It has to be. Because gentlemen, let's be frank: a consumer's palate is a rigid, fixed thing without the need or the ability to change over time. Just saying it out loud gives one a chance to realize what a preposterous notion that is! I'm sure you agree.

Regardless of blame, I now find myself at a juncture which could be conducive to us both. As I'm sure you're aware, I've been highly critical of my (soon-to-be) former objects of obsessive fascination and reverence. As I wish no ill to befall them, I shall refer to them as An Dauerbach and Catrick Parney of the Klack Beys. After many years of faithful (some would say crazed, fanatical and borderline-disturbing) listening, my dear Klack Beys have released a shitburger. Not an album, mind you, but a burger. Made of shit. This is the most positive, glowing critique I can muster. I plan to issue a formal apology to all early Lings of Keon fans (who pre-date the "Fex On Sire" crisis of conscience), in a humble attempt at empathy and also to see if I can get one of those bitchin' torn sackcloths and some ashes to smear on myself.

*[editor's note: they told Adam to "get fucked, you sheep." Still bitter, those.] 

In light of said shitburger, I am considering shopping my affectations. Some would say to simply ignore this latest offering if it so offends the senses, or at least revel in their glorious past works (which consist of equal parts virgin sacrifice, tire smoke, and Kunior Jimbrough's used lambskins, brewed with a general sense of nongiveafuckitude). This I cannot do; it's too painful. I once looked to my loves as harbingers of the badass, a dawning of pure driving rhythm and guttural, fuzzed-out steel after the long cold night of auto-tune and syth.

This has ceased to be. 

Have I slept in the past 24 hours? No. Is this entire diatribe nonsensical? Yes. Am I asking myself easy questions to fill space? Maybe. But the truth remains: like Ronnie Van Zant said, I'm on the hunt. And I consider myself to be the paragon of fandom. When I go, I go hard. I may or may not own 3 separate copies of one particular Klack Beys album. *[editor's note: he does.] Now, Messrs Avett, you have the opportunity of a lifetime, here and now, to win the best fan you'll ever have. The choice is yours.

*[editor's note: Ok, he just crashed, finally. Christ. He had literally been up since 2am listening to a live version of "The Ballad of Love and Hate" on repeat, drinking an entire pot of coffee out of a giant orange Home Depot mug and screaming "PERFECT! FUCKIN' EPIC!" over and over. I think you sold him, Avett's. Well done. Or beware. A bit of both probably.]

Subtlety isn't my strong suit.....

Initiative # 26

“Be it Enacted by the People of the State of Mississippi:

SECTION 1. Article III of the constitution of the state of Mississippi is hearby (sic) amended BY THE ADDITION OF A NEW SECTION TO READ:

SECTION 33. Person defined. As used in this Article III of the state constitution, “The term ‘person’ or ‘persons’ shall include every human being from the moment of fertilization, cloning or the functional equivalent thereof.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“The Primary Mission of Personhood USA is to serve Jesus by being an Advocate for those who can not speak for themselves, the pre-born child. We serve by starting/coordinating efforts to establish legal “personhood” for pre-born children through peaceful activism, legislative efforts and ballot-access petition initiatives.”

- quote from Personhood USA website

''I view it as transformative,'' says Brad Prewitt, a lawyer and executive director of the Yes on 26 campaign, which is named for the Mississippi proposition. ''Personhood is bigger than just shutting abortion clinics; it's an opportunity for people to say that we're made in the image of God.''

- Eric Eckholm - Sydney Morning Herald – Oct. 29, 2011

Supporters of the "Personhood" movement, as it is called, believe that life begins at the moment of fertilization and that destruction of fertilized eggs should be outlawed. That would mean banning certain birth-control methods such as intrauterine devices, which allow fertilization but prevent embryo attachment to the uterine wall. Personhood advocates also oppose the morning-after pill and destruction of any in vitro-fertilized eggs.

- Cameron McWhirter - Wall Street Journal – Oct. 29, 2011

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 I’m writing this because it seems that reason and logic have no local voice today.  Wherever you go, you see “Yes to 26.”  Church fronts, yards, street corners; all are littered with these signs.  I have yet to see a “No to 26.”  I believe this is due to a fear that publicly opposing the initiative means supporting abortion.  And unfortunately, for many people, that is exactly the message it will convey.  Your grandmothers, your preachers, your PTA members, your coffee shop drinkers: many will take it as just that.  I promise I’m not going to cast blame on the populace, refer to them as sheep, or insinuate that the majority of people are idiots.  Even if they are.  Which they aren’t.  Maybe. 

This is an attempt to clarify the issue.  Whether you view abortion as a crime, sin, necessary evil or otherwise, THAT IS NOT THE ISSUE.  Sorry to go all caps on you there, but it’s basically the theme.  Here, I’m gonna do it again, watch:

ABORTION IS NOT THE ISSUE.  PERSONHOOD IS THE ISSUE.

Every human being on Earth is entitled to hold an opinion (unless you’re an idiot; in which case, stop talking).  Opinions are important.  They differentiate one person from another; they promote discourse.  I have mine (obviously), and you have yours.  But that isn’t what this diatribe is focused on. 

Let’s state some facts.

1.  Personhood USA (to be referred to as P-USA.  No pun intended.  For real.) is a religious organization based in Colorado whose sole purpose is to promote the concept of “personhood from the time of conception.”

2.  P-USA first tried to pass the “fertilized egg as personhood” initiative in their home state.  It failed.

3.  P-USA is the driving force behind Mississippi’s Proposition 26.

4.  Proposition 26 would extend the title of “personhood” to fertilized eggs at the moment of conception.

5.  If a fertilized egg is considered a “person,” that would make many forms of birth control, including early term abortions, IUD’s and the morning after pill, technically murder. 

Now here are some judgmental, biased opinions that I hold.

1.  P-USA sucks.

2.  Likely overheard monologue from deep within the offices of P-USA:

“Well damn.  Our initiative got shot down here at home in Colorado.  We gotta keep this thing going man.  I mean with all the donations we’ve got coming in from other religious groups, our stacks are looking fat!  Look at all that black on the books!  It’s awesome!  Now, we can’t quit, because the money would stop coming in; it failed in our state, because I guess people thought about it for a minute instead of having a gut reaction like we wanted; so what now?  Let’s see……I know!  Let’s look down a list of the most overzealous religious states, cross reference that with a list of states with known educational deficiencies and a history of conservative political victories and see what we come up with!  Great, now……got it.  Mississippi.  Wow, that was quick.”

           

3.  By coming to Mississippi with this bill, that tells me they think we are so close-minded and subjective that we won’t bother to look at this thing from both sides and determine what the best outcome would be for ourselves.

Another quick fact.

6.  This pisses me off.

Back to the opinions.

3.  Sheeple are to blame, they’re idiots and this thing will probably pass.  Allah/Jesus/Jehovah save us all.

Well that promise didn’t last long did it?  But I only say this because I seriously think this initiative has a good chance of passing here.  Which means that fertility clinics are going to be hanging in the wind. 

“Huh?  Fertility clinics?”

Quick lesson:  when a couple has problems conceiving, they sometimes go to a fertility clinic.  One option often presented is artificial insemination.  The couple provides the husband’s sperm and the wife’s eggs and the lab technicians try to fertilize said eggs in a dish.  See how I said eggs?  Plural?  (Hang on to that for later, it’s important.)  They try to fertilize more than one egg at a time because guess what?  Conception, much like Inception, can be a very tricky process.  Now, sometimes, more than one egg becomes fertilized as a result of the process.  This is known colloquially in the medical community as a “good thing.”  The technicians can then choose the fertilized egg which shows the best signs of growing into a healthy embryo.  That egg is then implanted into the mother’s uterus and away we go. 

Now.  What happens to the other fertilized eggs?  If the couple plans to have more children, they can be frozen and stored for a later date.  If not, the eggs are thrown away.  This is the part where Prop. 26 could really, really screw things up.  If the bill passes, those eggs are people.  I don’t agree, but that’s not important (“But Adam, if it’s not important then why are you including it in the first place?” ”……..Shut up.”).  To the people who believe in this idea, a lab technician throwing away an unused fertilized egg is the same thing as taking your fifth grader out behind the woodshed and putting him down like Ol’ Yeller.  If you agree with that, vote yes.

Aside from fertility clinics, Prop. 26 also puts at risk a group of “contraceptives” like Plan B, which are designed to stop a fertilized egg from implanting.  Whatever your feelings may be about that particular group of products and their use, consider this:  a rape victim reports to a hospital.  After a rape kit is administered, she is given Plan B.  If she was carrying a fertilized egg, then Prop. 26 says that is murder.  If you agree with that, vote yes.

Now as much as it infuriates me that some religious lobbyist group from Colorado can decide to base a national campaign for an issue I don’t support using my home state as a springboard, we have to focus on the immediate issue at hand.  Personally, I don’t care about abortion.  You want to have one?  Go for it.  I’m not going to tell you you’re a bad person.  Think abortion is murder and can’t stand the thought of it?  Ok.  But isn’t that an issue more deserving of regulation than abolishment?  What if a pregnancy is determined to be life-threatening to both the mother and child, such as tubal implantation?  What if a woman decides an intra-uterine device is more suited for her than taking a birth control pill every day?  What about the fertility clinics and the rape victims?  If this bill passes, then these are all questions that will be answered immediately with a resounding “Tough shit.”

Please, people.  Think about this.  I know plenty of you try to allow your religion to determine the choices you make each day.  And that’s great, really.  Religion keeps a lot of people honest and provides a moral structure from within which you live your life to the fullest as you see fit.  But voting this measure in would be amputating your arm after smashing your thumb with a hammer. 

“Damnit that hurts! Ugh, god this sucks so bad right now! You know what? Just take the arm. DO IT NOW!........Well that’s better, and these pain meds are nice. Wait, what do you mean I can’t drive a stick anymore? I’m a trucker, how am I supposed to take care of my family?” (This goes on for hours in my head, but I’ll spare you.  You’re welcome.)

This might be the laziest thing I've ever done.

So......yeah. I worry a lot. Usually about things I shouldn't. For example, I just rewrote that last sentence 7 times. Another example: I worry that Facebook will delete some of my posts when I'm not looking. So this is equal parts masturbation of the ego and groundless paranoia. Hooray for mental instability!

You know who isn't overrated? Gators cheerleaders. Boom goes the dynamite.
September 4, 2010 at 2:19pm via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Don't throw yourself off a bridge yet Ole Miss people. It was just Jacksonville State. Didn't mean anything..........Sorry i cant hold it in anymore. Hahahahahaha whooooooooo!!!!!!!! Your team sucks mo ass! Jacksonville State???!?!? Really?!?!? Was Masoli everything you thought he'd be? Just wait til he date rapes some sorority girl and knocks off Proud Larrys. It's gonna be awesome!!!!
September 4, 2010 at 7:17pm via iPhone ·  · Like ·

And look at all you suckers. Tubby, Cutliffe, Coach O, now Nutt. Get the tshirts and a catchphrase printed for the next messiah. Until he loses the first game of his 2nd season and you turn on him. You people are ridiculous.
September 4, 2010 at 7:24pm via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Can't. Stop. Watching. The Office.
September 5, 2010 at 6:29am via iPhone ·  · Like ·

27 episodes in 22 hours.....if Jim and Pam don't get together by the end of season 2, I'm going to gouge my eyes out.
September 5, 2010 at 6:31pm ·  · Like ·

Just heard on the Superhuman show with Stan Lee on History: "Jyothi Raj has monkey strength in his hands." Beautiful dialogue.
October 7, 2010 at 10:46pm ·  · Like ·

Trade days loot: a come-along, 12 peaches, a jar of molasses, and a flat of muscadines. Score.
October 9, 2010 at 10:53am via iPhone ·  · Like ·

On BBC radio right now: a British entrepreneur and a Spanish lawyer debating the merits of a workday siesta. Fascinating.
October 22, 2010 at 12:01pm via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Jon Gruden: "I like to call these Giants receivers JetBlue. You like that Mike?"
Mike Tirico: (disgusted) "Yeah Jon."
October 25, 2010 at 9:13pm via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Blake Griffin looks like Lil' Archie with his hair grown out.
October 27, 2010 at 8:26pm ·  · Like ·

Dear Krispy Kreme upper level management, please relax your franchising restrictions. As it stands today, your business model is invalid and has effectively abandoned it's core base. You have a great, not good, product, and if your company succumbs to the difficulties of these economic conditions, my children will never experience the rapture that is a hot, fresh Krispy Kreme original glazed. Thank you.
October 28, 2010 at 10:46am via iPhone ·  · Like ·

"Make awkward sexual advances, not war."
October 30, 2010 at 2:08pm ·  · Like ·

Natural gas so I don't freeze: $370, eye exam to renew contact prescription: $125, not being able to afford the regular bills because of the new ones: bullshit.
November 3, 2010 at 2:17pm ·  · Like ·

Listen up! The hippie jam band festival is now 14 miles in diameter, and 500,000 hippies thick....Our only hope is to fight our way to the very center of the crowd and reach the heart. If we make it, we can upload this Slayer CD into the music system. Hippies can't stand death metal. If everything works, they should disperse, just before they consume us all......
December 2, 2010 at 7:39pm ·  · Like ·

*** These next few were in response to the number game someone started on Facebook. The premise was that Alan sends Barry a random number in a private message, then Barry posts that number along with what he truly thinks of Alan on his (Barry's) wall. I watched the game unfold over a few weeks and after a discussion with a friend, decided to join in. Except I had no real numbers. Which means these are all fake. The interesting part, to me anyway, was that AFTER I began posting these, I began to receive numbers.

Let's follow the logic:
no one knew these were fake >
everyone thought they were pertaining to real people >
real people who were Facebook friends >
Facebook friends are people with whom you at least have some minor level of respect or care for, so...

Why, in the hell, would people think that I would be any less critical of "you" when "you" think that I'm speaking this way to people in my life for whom I have some amount of human concern for?

Or maybe I'm just a dick.

#11 - I had sex with your sister. Peace.
December 8, 2010 at 12:53am ·  · Like ·

#602 - Just come out already. You aren't fooling anybody.
December 8, 2010 at 1:15am ·  · Like ·

#111 - Remember that time in high school when your mom cheated on your dad with that guy and we all knew about it and it was really embarassing for you? Ah, the good ole days. P.S. Word around town is you're hung like a baby carrot. Just letting you know.
December 8, 2010 at 1:14pm ·  · Like ·

#1 - Your sister is a whore, you're in the running for Biggest Douche In The Universe, and I'm pretty sure your family is inbred. At least thats what everyone in town says. But you're so talented and giving. I'm glad you're my friend.
December 8, 2010 at 1:50pm ·  · Like ·

#24 - I used to want to have awkward teenage sex with you. Then you had a baby. So that's over now.
December 8, 2010 at 2:03pm ·  · Like ·

#2 - Remember the time I tea-bagged you? Probably not since you were sleeping. Call me and I'll email you the picture. It's classic!
December 8, 2010 at 2:47pm ·  · Like ·

Karate - the Dane Cook of martial arts.
December 8, 2010 at 9:27pm ·  · Like ·

Coffee: because it's too cold for Kool-Aid.
December 12, 2010 at 4:05pm via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Oh look, it's all sunshiny and nice outside. Let's go to the store....then your face goes all crystallized-Robert Patrick-Terminator 2-liquid nitrogen-shatter.
December 13, 2010 at 1:52pm ·  · Like ·

Dear Tina Fey,
Anytime, anyplace.
Love, Adam
December 17, 2010 at 2:44am ·  · Like ·

"Lemmon, let me explain something that can you have no way of knowing: emotionally unstable women are, fantastic, in the sack. I mean their self-loathing translates into......nevermind."
December 17, 2010 at 6:49am ·  · Like ·

Nap dreams are awesome. 80s coked out casino sex and fingerpainting. Wow.
December 18, 2010 at 11:55am via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Battlestar Galactica marathon. Get your geek on.
January 7 at 12:38am ·  · Like ·

Apparently heavy drinking and sleep deprivation don't mix. I tried to write this last night:
Captains log, stardate 1/8/11, 12:45 am: over 84 consecutive conscious hours. Verbal adequacy beginning to erode. Increasingly concerned with national state of race relations (paranoia?); while at the same time, conflict avoidance mechanisms have waned in strength or disappeared completely. And my roommate snores. Yippee.
January 8 at 5:07pm via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Update: Dunlop Direzza Z1 Star Spec's have crazy grip. When its nice out. Sideways is fun, but only when you're trying to get that way.
January 10 at 3:43am ·  · Like ·

Is it possible to prepare Red Baron frozen pizza on a George Foreman grill? The answer when we come back.
January 10 at 6:18pm via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Ingredients:
1 quarter slice of Red Baron Buffalo Style Chicken Pizza
1 slice of bread

Directions:
Preheat Foreman
Apply quarter slice of frozen pizza
Lay slice of bread atop pizza
Close lid, listen for cheese hitting hot plate
Cook for approx. 10 minutes
Makes one slice pizza, 1 piece of cheese toast

I'm a goddamn genius.
January 10 at 7:17pm via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Dodge apparently hired geniuses to fill their advertising vacancy. And Anheuser-Busch hired the CEO's deadbeat nephew. "Here we go"? Sigh.....
January 16 at 10:46pm ·  · Like ·

Man cooking 101: burger meat + brown sugar and onions = meatloaf, not hamburgers. Tasty, but unexpected. Lesson learned.
January 17 at 5:32pm ·  · Like ·

No, no it's fine God. Drop all the precipitation you want. I love it when my driveway turns into a mud drag. Thanks buddy.
January 20 at 3:31pm ·  · Like ·

Charlie and Connor. F'n it in the A.
January 23 at 3:55am ·  · Like ·

Guess who can't sleep. This guy. Hooray.
January 24 at 1:25am ·  · Like ·

Sir Adam, Slayer of Things That May Be Slain Easily
January 25 at 3:16pm ·  · Like ·

If my Xbox had a face I'd punch it.
February 7 at 9:42am ·  · Like ·

Charlie!!!! You fuckin bitch! Let's work it out!!!
February 7 at 7:35pm ·  · Like ·

Ice-packed fenderwells > tires frozen in place > car no move > sad panda. Today, I miss having a truck. There. I said it.
February 10 at 12:05am ·  · Like ·

"Where can you get a beer in this town?"
"Well 502 is still open, but it might not be your scene. Try Guitars down on 20th Street."
"Whats wrong with 502?"
"(scoff) Are you packing?"
"Wow."

Joplin, Missouri ladies and gentlemen.
February 21 at 9:15pm ·  · Like ·

Clues that you've lost your tolerance:
1.) Your tab is $13.
2.) That girl at the bar seemed like a viable option.
3.) You don't really remember how you got home.
4.) You write Facebook status updates like this.
5.) You're drunk enough to throw up, but sober enough to talk yourself out of it.
February 26 at 2:37am ·  · Like ·

Brothers vinyl came in today. If I had neighbors, they'd be really pissed right now.
February 26 at 7:56pm ·  · Like ·  · Share

Mississippi Department of Public Safety: now offering over-the-phone lobotomies!

Christ. Al. Mighty. If you ever have to deal with them, just drive an iron spike into your temple first. It takes your mind off the pain.
March 15 at 11:36am via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Better call Kenny Loggins cause you're in the danger zone.
March 15 at 11:44pm via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Is it just me or has Mike Huckabee put on 175 pounds? Dude has Beano Cook neck syndrome.
April 7 at 12:50am via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Let's Go Ti-ger.....come on people.....I just want to see him dominate. The field, not waitresses.
April 8 at 6:24pm ·  · Like ·

?"Lana......Lana.....LANAAAA!!!"
"What?!?!"
"ahem....danger zone."
April 9 at 3:12am via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Fallacies perpetuated by the state of Alabama: Mobile is a nice town; houndstooth trilbys go with anything; Rosa Parks is a hero; and I-20 between Atlanta and Birmingham deserves to be considered a highway. Dude, 55 mph? Really?
April 14 at 7:33am via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Dear T-Mobile Girl,
I love you.
Adam.
P.S. How do you feel about single wide trailers?
May 5 at 10:32pm ·  · Like ·

"Jesus was a cool dude with some groovy ideas, but divine? Come on pahtnuh. Speaking of Divine, where's that octaroon sex slave run off to?" - Thomas Jefferson
May 9 at 7:46am via iPhone ·  · Like ·

I hate hiccups the way Mr. T hates jibbajabba.
May 16 at 6:16pm via iPhone ·  · Like ·

This puppy gets more enjoyment out of a knotted dishrag than I get out of anything. Besides drinking heavily.
Yesterday at 3:28pm via iPhone ·  · Like ·

Hope you enjoyed at least half of one of these. God I'm lazy.

Stream of futility

I don’t have the burn right now.  I don’t feel the words in my mind like a logjam.  Contemplating that metaphor, but I don’t think I want to type it out.  When it’s there, fingers on the keys, the mind opens and I detach.  When I was a kid I loved to play with water.  In a ditch, in the yard, just the idea of running water, redirecting its path, damming it with a bit of mud, dropping stones into it to change the flow.  

This will be a learning experience, writing without the burn.  Words don’t come easily right now.  I have to dig for them.  It’s painful almost.  I don’t like this.  They come in snippets throughout the day.  Watching a documentary on Lewis Black, I had some ideas.  Or maybe a singular idea.  Then the blank white page stares out at me………..and nothing.  Watching Eddie Izzard showcase his genius, I had some ideas.  Then the blank white page stares out at me………and nothing.  If I ask why, the mind spirals into hypotheticals which can last hours.  Then I come back, and there it is.  The blank white page.  I started reading David Foster Wallace.  Feelings of Ineptitude.  If I ever wrote a book, that might be a subtitle.  A Million Reasons Not To.  But then I find alternate titles pretentious.  Or do I think other people find them pretentious?  Because I like them.  I don’t do well with decisions.  Adam’s book, with 11 billion alternate titles.

The Difference

or, A poor white southerners guide to mental clarity

or, I hate everyone

or, A poor white southerners guide away from mental clarity

or, Dane Cook, Hack

or, Sarcastic Snivelings of a Serendipitous Sociopath

Alliteration is a cheap ploy to a point.  It only becomes effective with perseverance (see V’s speech in “V For Vendetta”).  This sucks.  Now I’m referring movies.  My cat could come up with this. 

Interesting thought: trickle-down sugar-daddy economics.  Explored this notion with a friend.  Sugar daddy>cougar>Adam>college girl.  Sugarnomics?  The Sugar-as-honey movement (Bam! Physics joke.)?  I’m sure Reagan would be thrilled with the notion.  Too bad it wouldn’t help the college girl until 2025.  We’ll all be dead by then anyway.  Well you will.  I’ll be the last man on earth.  Fantasy of mine.  Fantasy in the real sense of the word.  Not “I wonder what it would be like?” but “If there was even a minute chance of bringing this to fruition I would blah blah blah…”

What do unicorns taste like?  Chicken?  Too easy.  Horse/narwhal maybe?  With a hint of pixie dust.  Which is lethal in large doses.  And to squirrels. 

^ This is what happens in my mind when “fantasy” is mentioned.  Except unicorns are real.  Hitler murdered one.  Bastard.

My cat thinks she’s a superhero.

I’m a selfish prick.  My favorite band is my favorite band, not your favorite band.  I liked them before you did so piss off.  I won’t even mention them here because I don’t want you buying their albums.  Which no one else on this planet still does.  Except me.  Because I love them.  Look at Kings of Leon.  They still make great music, but I sympathize with their early fans.  Can you sympathize with someone who doesn’t know they are being sympathized with?  McDonald’s executives need to be drawn and quartered for bastardizing sweet tea.  I don’t want San Franciscans sitting around going “Yah I think I might hop a trolley over to Mickey D’s and snag one of those hip new sweet teas they serve” (you pompous fuck. Who refers to their town as “The City”?  Smoke a J on the quad and eat another goddamn vegan wrap.  Ass.  I hope you choke on it while you’re riding the goddamn Powell-Hyde and a herpetic bum unsuccessfully administers mouth-to-mouth).  Sweet tea is a Southern peculiarity and I want it that way.  Like fife and drum music or good college football teams (booyah).  Even half of Texas doesn’t serve sweet tea.  Because Tejas belongs to Mehico.  When are we going to get involved in that debacle?  Predictions are around 5000 murders this year for Ciudad Juarez alone.  Christ Almighty.  Even if he wasn’t.  Cool dude, cool ideas, not divinity on earth.  

Hey look!  An entry.  Ta-da.

Some favorites off YouTube

I wish I was brave enough to do this. I'd have to wring out my pants afterwards.

Dodge hired geniuses to fill their ad vacancy. The Challenger and Charger commercials right now are flawless. Plus that violin kills me.

One day........

So she's a media whore. At least she looks like she puts emotion into what she's singing. So it can't be all bad. Well maybe its just this one.

Ok ok, this one to make up for that one. Wasn't sure how I felt about Dan doing a solo gig until I heard this and realized I was ok with it. As long as he doesn't neglect Pat.

And Jimi to smooth it over.

Thank you Cleveland! Goodnight!!!

Started writing this with wikileaks in mind; morphed into me lobbing tomatoes at a few political hypocrisi (?)

January 2011

Everybody take a deep breath with me ok?  Inhale, slowly exhale, let it out.  Now.  I’m about to say some things that are probably going to piss you off, because I’m me and you’re you.

To all the people who post Facebook messages counting down the days until Obama is out of office, or spew some garbage about how “the left/right wing nutjobs” are sending this country to hell in a handbasket, calm down (don’t you smell your hair burning?  But I digress).  You sound ridiculous.  If you’re going to be passionate about something, make it a cause or an idea rather than a person.  Gasp!  Shocking, I know.  But I’m gonna let you in on a little something just to show that I understand where you’re coming from: Sarah Palin pisses me off.  I don’t think she’s intelligent enough to run a Chuck E. Cheese much less a state or god forbid a country.  She has a reality TV show.  That puts her on a field playing powder puff football with Snookie, Paula Abdul and Kate Gosselin.  Isn’t that reason enough not to lend credence to a single statement she has ever made?  But let’s face facts here.  I’m a nobody.  I’m a poor redneck who doesn’t vote and lives in a trailer just outside Bum&#@! Nowhere, Mississippi.  So you know what I do?  Nothing.  That’s right I said it.  Nothing.  When I hear something about the latest speech Palin or Mike Huckabee or Jesse Ventura or Glen Beck or Rachel Maddow or Keith Olbermann gave somewhere, I do nothing.  And do you know why?  Because they are instigators.  Fire starters.  Talking heads.  They say and do things solely from the basis of one of these three motivations: 1) money (they’re getting paid to say the things they say), 2) money (the things they say get them more exposure > more ad revenue), or 3) money (the things they say polarize the public enough to swing more fence-sitters to their particular brand of democracy > more votes > more elections).  For example, Palin has a map on her website (I think it’s still there) targeting the remaining democrats in office with a banner touting something to the effect of “Only a few more to go!”  Seriously.  Do you (meaning you and her) really think things will change for the better if we have a single party government?  The founding fathers warned against the creation of a bipartisan system, much less a single party system.  You know what a single party government is called?  Totalitarianism.  Stalin, Mussolini, Mao, Hitler, Franco, ring any bells?  My friend made the statement (slightly misquoted), “Democrats keep us sane, republicans keep us safe.”  I’m inclined to agree.  We’ve made our bed with this two party crap.  Time to roll around or stand up.

 I don’t vote on anything above the state level, because the popular vote amounts to a slick graphic of a hill of beans in anything higher.  The electoral college elects presidents, so whether you voted for Obama or not doesn’t matter.  Unless you live in a swing state, you don’t matter.  If you have an issue with whom the outcome of the electoral college vote decides to be president, take it up with your congressman, not your friends.  Or better yet, don’t take it up with your congressman at all, because that’s sort of the point.  People working themselves into a froth over OTHER PEOPLE.  You know what that makes you?  Manipulatable.  A mark.  Money in the bank.  I say die-hard followers of a brand have no power in a free market.  Hey, Black Hole fan section of Oakland Raiders fame, Al Davis says he’s gonna sell off your top five players because he wants a new yacht.  Where are you going to be on Sunday afternoons in October?  At the stadium.  Right where Big Al knows you’ll be.  The valuable commodities are the guys who can’t decide whether to go to the game or spend time with the kids.  This is who corporate execs, owners, and politicians gun for.  The undecided majority. 

Take Julian Assange, the public head of wikileaks.  Elected officials (Palin, Huckabee) have called for violence against the man.  A human being.  This isn’t Russia, is this Russia?  Did he leak your private cell number to the public?  Did he have a one-night stand with your daughter and not call her afterwards?  No.  Well maybe he did, but that’s irrelevant.  He started a company that sheds light on corruption, conspiracy and hypocrisy.  And ELECTED OFFICIALS are calling for violent action against him.  Everyone needs to take another deep breath and really think about whether or not what you’re saying has a positive effect.  Be passionate about providing real healthcare to the masses.  Be passionate about fixing our broken public education system.  Be passionate about putting America back in its place as a world leader.  And will someone shut Sarah Palin up please?

A friend of a girlfriend and I were engaged in a lively dispute over the merits of Ole Miss athletics. Figure out which side I was on. And yes, I dropped out of Ole Miss. Doesnt mean I like the place.

October 2009


CC: To whom it may concern.....

"Delusions of Grandeur"

By ***********

It seems I've finally found the perfect analogy/metaphor for Ole Miss fans. You're the manchild whose best days were over when you could no longer beat up geeks and shoot spitballs.  You're the father who lives out his petty glory days vicariously through his children.  You're Bob from Grosse Point Blank. You're Mr. Moxon from Varsity Blues.  You extoll the virtues of your program when the only virtues of your program are keggers and cheerleaders. You speak of "championships" and "the best team in the

conference," when in fact the only obstacles you do happen to overcome (by sheer, dumb, blind luck, stumbling drunkenly around or staggering stiff-legged across, tripping as you go) are of only the slightest of consequence (Memphis {2-4}, SELA {who cares}, Vandy {2-4}, and now UAB. Seriously.). You seem hell-bent and honor-bound to relive your past glories, and oh, what glories they are! Shall we recap?  A single (claimed; and disputed) national championship during the Kennedy administration, and a single season of quasi-success (if "success" is being selected to the same bowl you always default to) since the millennium, which came at a time when nearly every other SEC team was in some stage of a rebuilding process. "Wait!" cry the masses. "We produced Eli! He won a Super Bowl!" Silly Rebels. But then, one would have to suppose that when faced with such a shortage of proof to a claim, the Rebel fan will cling to any thread of validation, no matter how tenuous. Rest on thy windswept and leafless laurels, ye faithful! "But nay!" say the naysayers, nefarious ne'er-do-wells and nubile nymphs of that the most notorious of nesting grounds of the needless, "what Wolverine wails not, waxing wolfish over the waning of a wondrous way-back-when? Verily the Volunteer too seeks to vindicate the verisimilitude of his own valued valorous ventures!" Verily indeed, good Rebel. But allow a fellow faithful to present a token of insight: these teams value their past instead of bedecking it with jewels and worshipping it as proof of their current worth. Truly, 'tis a shame to see a campus, nay, an entire community regress into the visage of a child who, spoiled and adamant, demands its parents attentions at a time when more pressing matters are at hand. (See what I did there? I put you in a metaphor where you are a crying baby, the nation's football faithful are the parents, and teams actually worth paying attention to are "more pressing matters.' Ha.) Perhaps this, good Rebel, is the perfect metaphor.

Respectfully,

a fan of a "more pressing matter"

             

P.S. To any Ole Miss fans still reading who haven't gotten confused by the language and decided to head to town for some new plaid shorts in Mom's Range Rover with Dad's credit card and your sexually unsatisfied in-it-for-the-money-because-our-parents-know-each-other girlfriend: this is a statement of purpose. This is Me saying that You have the all-time hands-down most overhyped overrated (yes it has two R's) and overestimated

sports team in history. Deal with it.