I was getting a lot of fake friend adds on Facebook at the time. Just a little comedy piece.

Ode to the spammer

by *********** on Thursday, March 4, 2010 at 6:45pm

Dear Randomly Generated Impossibly Hot Girl Who Sends Me Friend Invites, regretfully I must decline your request. I know this must be a dashing blow to your self-esteem, but I hope you can see the silver lining. Of course I would love to add you to my "friend" list, but sadly I know next to nothing about you, Selena Colwuity. It may have simply slipped your mind, but it seems your profile is lacking somewhat in substance. What, no contact info? Really? I know somewhere in the course of your day between spawning massive databases of facebook and myspace id's and hacking federal servers there must be an idle moment during which you could at least tell me something about yourself. The sad thing is that enough guys out there must actually add you, trying to up their friend numbers. Or perhaps more cynically they would love their actual "friends" to see some mysterious sexpot appear on the roster. What puzzles me is that some of my friends show your profile pic in their own friend list, but you're under a different name. What gives? I mean I want to trust you Selena. Or Tiffany. Or Esperanza. Names aren't important. But seriously, I'm such an emotional cripple and socially awkward and devoid of interpersonal communication skills that I might just add you anyway. I mean, who knows who could be thumbing MY friends list as we speak. And you're not on it! The horror! You know what? Screw it. As soon as I'm done here I'm adding you. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? Right? Right???!?!!