Early 2007
How confusing life can be. And by life, I mean women. This is a redundant observation by now, but how can you ignore it if it keeps popping up? I still don’t understand them, so I continue to be confusticated. One says she loves you, but only when she’s drunk and she can’t see you. Another says she loves you, then fucks like 30 different guys. And yet another flips her personality 180 degrees, to the point of which you don’t even recognize her anymore. I mean seriously. Am I that earth-shattering (in a non-egomaniacal sort of way) to the female psyche that once a girl comes into contact with me for more than a few hours she undergoes some sort of metaphysical/emotional/psychological rebirth? I really don’t think so. At least I used to not think so. But over the past few years, the evidence is starting to pile up in opposition. They confound me to no end. I mean seriously. I think I’m a pretty normal guy. I have my flaws, sure (indecisive, WAY too honest, not really sure what else but I know there’s plenty). But goddamn. Is wanting a serious relationship a crime? Is being unable to cope with schizophrenia and psychosomatic hallucinations? Is being young and completely immature? Fuck me. I could write a thesis on nearly every girl I’ve been involved with, and it still wouldn’t be enough. But honestly, I know each of them could write a thesis about me as well. But all of them seem to find their own little piece of happiness the moment I exit the stage. Its like I’m the fucking darkness before the dawn. I am the precursor to joy and happiness. I am the tunnel before the light. Maybe after me, there’s nowhere to go but up. I’m like relationship purgatory. How fucked up is that? I could use that as a pick-up line. “Look here missy, give me six months and I’ll deliver the man of your dreams.” I should retire. When I disappear in December, I might as well not come back. I really just don’t know if I can do it anymore. I know I can, and to “just give it time.” But how many times can you just give it time before time implodes and collapses in on itself, causing a chain reaction at the micrological level and opening a wormhole that eats its way through your soul? Seriously.
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