A friend of a girlfriend and I were engaged in a lively dispute over the merits of Ole Miss athletics. Figure out which side I was on. And yes, I dropped out of Ole Miss. Doesnt mean I like the place.

October 2009


CC: To whom it may concern.....

"Delusions of Grandeur"

By ***********

It seems I've finally found the perfect analogy/metaphor for Ole Miss fans. You're the manchild whose best days were over when you could no longer beat up geeks and shoot spitballs.  You're the father who lives out his petty glory days vicariously through his children.  You're Bob from Grosse Point Blank. You're Mr. Moxon from Varsity Blues.  You extoll the virtues of your program when the only virtues of your program are keggers and cheerleaders. You speak of "championships" and "the best team in the

conference," when in fact the only obstacles you do happen to overcome (by sheer, dumb, blind luck, stumbling drunkenly around or staggering stiff-legged across, tripping as you go) are of only the slightest of consequence (Memphis {2-4}, SELA {who cares}, Vandy {2-4}, and now UAB. Seriously.). You seem hell-bent and honor-bound to relive your past glories, and oh, what glories they are! Shall we recap?  A single (claimed; and disputed) national championship during the Kennedy administration, and a single season of quasi-success (if "success" is being selected to the same bowl you always default to) since the millennium, which came at a time when nearly every other SEC team was in some stage of a rebuilding process. "Wait!" cry the masses. "We produced Eli! He won a Super Bowl!" Silly Rebels. But then, one would have to suppose that when faced with such a shortage of proof to a claim, the Rebel fan will cling to any thread of validation, no matter how tenuous. Rest on thy windswept and leafless laurels, ye faithful! "But nay!" say the naysayers, nefarious ne'er-do-wells and nubile nymphs of that the most notorious of nesting grounds of the needless, "what Wolverine wails not, waxing wolfish over the waning of a wondrous way-back-when? Verily the Volunteer too seeks to vindicate the verisimilitude of his own valued valorous ventures!" Verily indeed, good Rebel. But allow a fellow faithful to present a token of insight: these teams value their past instead of bedecking it with jewels and worshipping it as proof of their current worth. Truly, 'tis a shame to see a campus, nay, an entire community regress into the visage of a child who, spoiled and adamant, demands its parents attentions at a time when more pressing matters are at hand. (See what I did there? I put you in a metaphor where you are a crying baby, the nation's football faithful are the parents, and teams actually worth paying attention to are "more pressing matters.' Ha.) Perhaps this, good Rebel, is the perfect metaphor.

Respectfully,

a fan of a "more pressing matter"

             

P.S. To any Ole Miss fans still reading who haven't gotten confused by the language and decided to head to town for some new plaid shorts in Mom's Range Rover with Dad's credit card and your sexually unsatisfied in-it-for-the-money-because-our-parents-know-each-other girlfriend: this is a statement of purpose. This is Me saying that You have the all-time hands-down most overhyped overrated (yes it has two R's) and overestimated

sports team in history. Deal with it.