Man, I actually quoted a lyric at the end. Apparently I was feeling apologetic after that last tirade.

March 2007

First of all, I’m sorry for writing this instead of just being able to tell you face to face. Its just that when I write something out, I can control exactly what is said, whereas if I’m talking to you, I’ll probably stutter or something will come out wrong or you could get the wrong idea if something I say doesn’t have the right emphasis. Ok, here goes.

I love you. I know I’ve said that before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again, but that’s all there is to it. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. And when you and I go out and ride around and laugh and joke and have a good time, that is as good as it gets for me. Like today, when we were out riding and at the cabin (even though I fucked that all up), I can’t even begin to describe how good that makes me feel. To see you smile, to hear you laugh means everything in the world to me. And I’m sorry if I seemed out of place all day, but I get like that sometimes when I have a lot of shit on my mind. (This is where I might be going completely off track with the shit that is going through my head) Now I don’t know whats going on with you and ********. Its not my business. Some guys would be all about trying to cut that shit off and fight for you and all that, but being the kind of person that I am, if that’s what makes you happy, then I would rather be unhappy myself than to deny you of being happy. I feel like he has a lot more going his way than I do right now. If he feels about you the same way I do, then I’m not sure if I can compete with that. He has people that will talk him up to you, I don’t. He’s a musician (plus for you), I have no musical abilities whatsoever. I don’t know. I might be wrong about all this. But that’s just it. I don’t know. And that’s what kills me. I’ve always known. Or at least had an idea. But I don’t now. What I do know is how I feel about you. That is the only thing that I can have any certainty about in my life right now. And if what you want is for me to actually say all of this out loud to you, then as soon as I get a chance then I will. I might use a cheat sheet so I don’t get lost and start rambling, but I’ll try to wing it. What really worries me is that I leave for Hawaii tomorrow and as soon as I get back I start work and I won’t be around. And the way that my life has worked out so far, if I’m not around, things start to fall apart. And even though I’m a long way from where I want to be with you, I’ve come a whole lot farther. And I don’t want that to slip away. That’s what scares me. I’ll put it like this. When I was with Chris the other night, he got to talking about Olivia and I got to talking about you. It may not seem like much, but the way I explained it was that if you came to me and wanted to hook up, no strings attached, just straight bootycall, I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t. And you are the only girl that I’ve ever known that I feel that way about. Don’t get me wrong, I do want that, but not in that context. I want a relationship with you. And I know that’s something that makes you uneasy, but that’s how I feel. Because to steal a line from Bill Withers, there ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.